In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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