hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
