He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i love accidental penises.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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