Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
