dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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