i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
