You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
