Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
