there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
