I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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