i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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