I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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