How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
