Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
