the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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