I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
