the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
