my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
