Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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