Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We need to get me chipped asap
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