Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
