Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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