I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
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