I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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