my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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