i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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