I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
