I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
