good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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