I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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