i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
bring money and cleavage
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
