I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
