I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
