so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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