I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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