He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
