He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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