Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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