I looked at my own cervix.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
