mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
