Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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