conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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