I wish my penis had an off switch
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
