This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I intend to get homeless drunk
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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