i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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