Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
