You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
