Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
