If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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