i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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