with your own penis?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the day after is always just damage control
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
