i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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