you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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