my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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