laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize