My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Randomize
