glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
