I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
