Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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