i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
