Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
cat food counts as protein by the way
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
