she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
