I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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