Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize